Different Sex Positions Man On Top
How Men and Women Experience Sexual Pleasure
There's an interesting debate about the
gap between men and women going on at the moment.
Only once a relationship's established do women reach the same orgasm frequency as men – although it's fair to say that even here there is some debate about whether or not the statistics truly represent the frequency with which women reach orgasm during sexual experiences with men.
Women do appear to fake orgasm rather frequently, even in established relationships, and you can only assume this is because their needs are not being met.
What are those needs?
I think primarily, women would agree that the basic fundamental need that is being met is something around intimacy and emotional connection with the man to whom they're making love.
Men can disconnect from their emotional side, and enjoy casual sex just for its own sake, while women certainly need to experience connection and intimacy both to want love in the first place, and certainly to enjoy it.
There are many articles on the Internet which speak of what women want to enjoy in a sexual relationship – and of course those are interesting, particularly to men, who like to have techniques they can use to bring a woman to orgasm easily.
After all, the art of pleasuring isn't particularly straightforward: women's needs change from one experience of sex to another, and indeed men may find that what worked as a technique for bringing a woman to orgasm on one occasion certainly doesn't work on the next.
For men this can be very frustrating, because there's a linear relationship between stimulation and orgasm for most men – in fact it's a very simple matter for a man to come in the majority of instances where a man and woman get together to sex.
But the surveys asking women what they really want are focused on male readers. They are not focused on what women actually want in terms of emotional intimacy, connection, and perhaps, dare we speak the word – love!
So what is the importance of love in the dynamic of sexual interaction between men and women?
Perhaps unsurprisingly, you can find evidence on the Internet to support any position you choose to adopt, and separating the people with an axe to grind from the truly scientific who've read the evidence and come to a valid conclusion supported by science can be quite challenging.
For instance, if you read this article you might come to the conclusion pretty quickly that women like sex just as much as men. In other words, that sex is just about physical pleasure, and the only thing men need to know about are the techniques to bring a woman to orgasm. Yet satisfying a woman sexually is not just about physical pleasure - for women have deep emotional needs too.
It quotes some "science" - described below- to support this, and it justifies its position by using emotive language such as "as researchers debunk the myths about female sexuality and the harmful corollaries for men", which is a sentence that certainly includes a few judgments and a few delicate nudges to the reader towards a certain position!
But to conclude that women want to get laid as much as their male partners do, and in fact actually more often, is very questionable.
The so-called science is a survey of 500 women conducted through an app, which is not real science at all, it turns out that 53% of the female respondents said emotional connection was a necessary requirement for good sex, and 25% said foreplay was an indicator of overall quality.
But statistics like this plucked out of context mean very little – and they don't prove anything about women's attitude to sex and intimacy, nor do they prove anything about women's attitude to casual sex.
The conclusion that the article appears to reach is the assertion that most women want more sex than they are having – which is no surprise to me.
But is it really true that 75% of women said they'd like to have sex in some way three times a week or more?
No respectable scientific research has ever been conducted which suggests anything like this frequency of sex is desired by women.
So the evidence that is presented here is used to justify the position that women are as sexually active as men, or at least as potentially sexually active as men – and that's no surprise. Tantric practitioners will smile knowingly when you say something like that to them.
But there's a difference between wanting sex three or more times a week and wanting good-quality sex with orgasms.
Are Women More Sexual Than Men?
The article goes on to suggest that the basic female sexual nature is distinctly libidinous – or, to put it another way, that women are quite lustful, if not even animalistic in their sexual nature.
Sure, there's no question that women's sexuality is as strong as men's, because there are many different influences on female sexual behavior, including feeling safe, and trusting their partner.
It's probable that women can only reach a level of intense sexual expression and
certain environment with a trusted partner.
Indeed, what this amounts to is that female sexual desire is much more influenced by the cultural context and social context than male sexual desire.
It's certainly true that men think more about sex than women do – but it's certainly not true that men think about sex every minute! The truth is that the majority of adult men think about sex once a day or so.
And in fact only quarter
of women think about it that frequently. And even as men and women age, men
still think about sex and indulge in fantasies about twice as often as women do.
The second thing to recognize as a truth is that men seek sex much more enthusiastically than women do.
They want sex more frequently than women at any point in a relationship. They also say that they want more sexual partners in their lifetime, and they are indeed more interested in casual sex than women.
And approximately two thirds of men admit a masturbate, compared with only 40% of
women, and women masturbate less often.
In fact, while men are turned on by the sight of men having sex with women and women having sex with women (in porn), straight women react with genital arousal in the same way to male-female, male-male, and female-female sex, although they say that they feel more turned on by male-female sex.
So there's clearly a difference between arousal in the mind and arousal in the body for women that may not be reflected in men's arousal. It could be that women are more open to the possibility of sex with other women (than men are with the idea of having male - male sex) because their sex drive is less specifically directed.
As for the cultural and social factors, they take many forms. For instance Baumeister's study revealed that women's attitude towards various sexual activities are more likely than men's to change over time, and women are more influenced by the attitudes of their social and peer group in the decisions they make around what kind of sex to enjoy.
Educated women enjoy a more varied sexual diet than less well educated women, while this difference does not exist in men.
The conclusion you may draw from this is that women's sex drive seems weaker than men's, and certainly more vulnerable to influence by various factors.
Socially this might be reflection of the great power of men in society, or it might be a reflection of the fact that society has different sexual expectations of men and women.
But there is of course the old sociobiological explanation based on the fact that for men it might have been more effective as a mating strategy to spread the seed around as much as possible, while women might be genetically hardwired to choose their partners carefully, choosing males who would be likely to stay around and take care of the child.
And there are other differences too: women certainly agree with the idea that desire originates in the mind rather than in the body.
There's a context to female sexuality which is about anticipation, fantasy, imagination, making arousal more dependent on a framework of emotional connection.
Men, obviously, don't need to have as complicated as sexual life since sex itself is much more simple, and arousal which more easy to achieve.
But having said that, we must remember that men also want intimacy, love and connection in a relationship.
The difference between men and women as far sex is concerned might simply come down to the fact that women want to talk first, connect, and then have sex. Whereas for men, rather obviously, sex is the connection, and represents a way in which they may be able to express their tender and loving side.
Finally, an interesting point around orgasms. Men usually take around 4 minutes from penetration to ejaculation on average, whereas women take around 10 to 11 minutes to reach orgasm.
Now it is clear that there is a discrepancy here which is going to prevent many women from reaching orgasm during intercourse, although the perennial question around sex between men and women is always: "How many women would reach orgasm if a man could thrust for 10 or 11 minutes?" As yet, that question remains unanswered.
In couples, men say they have an orgasm 75% of the time, whereas women
claim to only have
an orgasm 26% of the time – it's not clear whether that's during intercourse or
not, but let's assume that it's during any sexual interchange between a couple.
However the women's partners that they believed women orgasm 45% of the time.