Different Sex Techniques
Can you relate to these remarks, made to me by two women I met on a support group online for women with fear of sex?
A woman, who was 33 years old, said: "I've never had a successful relationship, and it almost breaks my heart when I look around me and see everybody else in a relationship…. I usually start fantasizing about what sort of sex they're having, how much they're enjoying it, and how much pleasure they give each other. I've never had been to bed with a man, and I don't think I ever will."
And a man, aged 37, told me: "I've never had a sexual relationship with a woman. Somehow the right one has never come along. In fact, women see me as a good friend, but they never want a sexual relationship with me. I can't imagine ever having sex with a woman. I've had some sexual relationships with men, though. At least I can trust a man."
It tugged at my heart to hear them say this. I think we all long for human connection, but for a lot of people it somehow never seems to work out.
Maybe you feel that way – after all, you've reached a website intended for people who are anxious about sex. And that includes sex in general, as well as sexual intercourse specifically.
So if you're in the same position, that is, if you're avoiding sex, or somehow it's never happened for you, or you're in a relationship and you're anxious about sex – whether it has or hasn't happened yet – I want you to know one thing. You can overcome fear of sex.
Sometimes fear of sex results from things that men and women know about themselves - that they have a small penis, that they have body dysmorphic disorder, that they have some sexual dysfunction or other such problem, like for example premature ejaculation or anorgasmia.
This is all very sad because all of these problems can be dealt with easily - for example, a simple compound called Stud 100 can delay ejaculation in no time at all.
First of all, congratulations for taking the first step on the road to a happy relationship. Simply by doing some research on the Internet, you've demonstrated your intention to overcome this challenge.
Even so, you may be wondering "Why me?" or "What can I do about this?" The fact is, there are many reasons why women and men are anxious about sex, or reach an age when most people have had sex and they're still inexperienced. So in other words, fear of sex or sexual anxiety are just blanket terms which cover many different issues. Let's look at some of these.
Many women have a challenge with sex because, regrettably, they experienced some kind of sexual abuse at some point in their life.
Whether they're aware of it or not, the memory of that abuse and the emotional response to it is strong enough to give them an aversion to sex in later life.
Now, I don't want you to think that I'm suggesting that all women who find sex difficult, or who have difficulty forming an intimate relationship, have been abused.
Some have, some haven't. But even when abuse is physical or emotional rather than sexual, it can still diminish a person's trust so much that they simply can't open themselves up in the way that's needed to have a relationship.
Other women find that sex is painful. A lot of women have pain when they try intercourse for the first time, and the memory of that uncomfortable experience can stay with them and produce a fear of sex in the future.
I know, from the deep work I've done with my clients, that your first experience of sex – for both women and men – can really influence how you feel about sex later on, and it's a major factor for people who feel a fear of sex.
For men, who are often cast in the role of the pursuer, the wooer, the one has to win the woman, lack of self-confidence can be such a barrier to getting together with someone that it just never happens.
And fear of sex can develop because the first sexual experience a man has is a disaster: he might come prematurely, he might not be able to get an erection, he might be humiliated in some way… the possibilities are endless, but they all lead to the same thing – fear of sex. Then again, for men who aren't clear about their sexual orientation, fear of being gay can be a big barrier to exploring sex.
And the same comments about abuse and fear of sex that I said above about women are true for men too. Whoever you are, you have to be able to trust another person enough before you can have an enjoyable and comfortable relationship – sexual or not – with them.
The problem is, if you can't trust enough to be intimate, then you may well feel anxiety around sex, fear of sexual intercourse, fear of intimacy, or have a fear of being alone.
I'm assuming that you want a relationship, and you might even want to explore sex, because you're here on a website that's designed for people who have some fear of sex! And yes, it is an exciting prospect, isn't it?
You hear people talk about sex so much, you see sexualized images all over the place in magazines, on TV, in the cinema… And the way people talk about it, and perhaps even the fact that you think about it so much, must mean there's something here worth exploring!
And the fact is - you're right. Sex can be fantastic. At its best, sex is the best human experience possible. Shared with another human being who likes you and loves you, sex can be sublime. That's why I would like you to be able to enjoy it – I've seen the happiness it can bring people, over and over again, in my work as a sex therapist.